Its Sunday, so that means its time to check in with your loved ones, friends and family and check they are ok. Not everyone wants to tell all their stories but just be there, check in see if they are ok and if they don’t want to tell you what’s up etc then buy them a bar of chocolate or just a simple text showing them you care. Sundays are also a chance to check in on me and my week. Self care is incredibly important to me and I have and am learning a lot from myself and self care.
Self care came into my life a good 4 years ago, I would say and that is due to the extremely complicated diagnose time of endometriosis. The amount of people and doctors that don’t know about endometriosis, are scared of it, will treat for something else or generally just let you suffer whilst “your making it up” talk. I can tell you now, endometriosis is awful and really you don’t want it, but don’t be selfish and point blank the situation learn a little more about it and my life with it. Try being me for once.
How has your week been? Mine has been mehhh. I don’t know really, its ok but nothing special. Had a few good points but mainly I am struggling. As I have mentioned in other weekly updates, I really didn’t think I would be where I am today in so many ways. There is so much going on in my life right now that half the time I don’t know if I am having a good or bad day. It can be a mix of emotions as well and though I may feel pants, I really just seem to carry on and eat what I want, do what I want and muddle through.
The beginning of 2018 when I was really poorly and waiting for my operation, I gained anxiety. My life was literally work, home during the week and weekends I would be at my parents. I was generally scared of the outside world, one because I was high on tramadol 24/7 and two because my pain was extremely bad. These all made me scared to go out incase I became unwell or something happened. Though 2019 is better and I am (touch wood) not going to be having an operation anytime soon, sometimes negative situations or if I am having a bad day my anxiety appears.
Sunday was my mum’s birthday, though we went out for lunch and celebrated. It was the first without my grandad, her dad so it was hard on us all. Sad as it is, I just didn’t feel settled and ok all day and I wanted to escape several times. Negatives aren’t good for me and they make me worse. So I was super glad to be home for the evening.
This week, I have felt the worst I have in ages. Due to so much interruptions, pressure to excel, unexpected things happening this year and me deciding to swap things around a bit and try ‘something new’ things seem a bit too much for me. Its like everything has caught up with me and I am about to crash. What makes it worse is I know that none of it is likely to go away soon and I need to keep going. You know when you are emotional as well and people are being serious yet joking with you. Yet you want them to stop because it’s annoying you and making you want to cry? Yes that’s me right now!
Due to feeling fed up and rubbish, I’ve been a pig this week. In terms of eating that is. Not that I am eating extra or snacking, I just want junk and eat quick and easy things. Junk or not even a meal but something random. I know my body is feeling the strain on it but right now my body is telling me to eat like this and so I am and will suffer. My body is the one that needs to be boss because of my condition. So if junk is what it craves let it have it.
Tuesdays and Thursdays are nights where I eat dinner at my parents, due to floristry classes and pilates. My mum made me right a list of foods I would eat for dinner because she would make something and I wouldn’t eat it because its was too healthy like a salad or made me turn my nose up and say no thank you I will go without. This week I had 6 sausages and waffles. Sausages are one of my favourites so the average is 3 sausages per meal but I was wanting them all. Then spaghetti bolognese. Which I ate in about 2 minutes due to traffic and it was the nicest thing I have had in ages.
Wednesday night I needed to go get a glue gun for my mum in hobbycraft and saw white chocolate fingers, “snowys”. Well they were £1 for a box and that was good for my dinner on Wednesday. Can you see now I am eating what I fancy? They were so good and I have told my mum to get some for Christmas now. Half was milk chocolate and the top half was white chocolate. I only eat chocolate fingers at Christmas and I have to say I am quite proud of the fact I haven’t gone back for another pack since!
Floristry is my love at the minute. Creativity is a natural flare to me and something I love. It’s in a way a distraction for me and a time that I can sit for hours and hours doing something and not thinking of other things that tick over and over again in my brain. Sometimes I look at the schedule for the week’s class and think this is going to be awful, but then it turns out the most beautiful, gorgeous thing I’ve made and I come away from class buzzing and so happy. This is a note for you to make for 2020. Go try something new, I started floristry in April and I was a complete rookie. Still now I don’t know all the names of the flowers or what they go with. But I love it and I look forward to that time every week. Even practice in my spare time because I want to and I have a passion for it now.
The weather is getting so cold and I am now in my winter, 2 onesies and bed socks. Yet to bring in the extra blankets but it’s nearly that time. I live in a converted office building with floor to ceiling windows, it definitely wasn’t insulated enough and all the heat goes out in the winter and stays in the summer. Even with the heating on I am cold.
My onesies bring me back to Wednesday, when we found out boots had half price on selected Christmas ranges. We had picked up the largest of Fearne Cotton’s Happy Place range the other week and said no to the £45. But it went to £22.50 and sold out online. Hobbycraft is literally opposite boots which I had already been to, but it was go get it or not have it. So me, Melanie Kate, 29 went to boots in my age 15 unicorn onesie, just to get her own Christmas present.
This week has all been about me and home comforts. Things I love like a hot bubble bath, cosy evenings in bed chilling and watching youtube. Floristry and pilates. Chocolate and early nights. You know its ok to have weeks like this because everyone feels this way sometimes.
Unfortunately for me, it seems that everything comes all at once for me. Due to being emotional and a bit fed up I guess, it’s time for me to make decisions, get advise and step back for a bit possibly. So much has changed for me this year and I have to be super thankful for my 2 best friends, Lavinia and Jade for sticking with me and supporting me through every thing. Theres not a day that goes by that I can’t text or call and say hey I’m struggling can I come over or just a catch up. Because so much has happened in family life (as in my grandads both dying) I love that outside support.
You may have noticed that I am not posting 6 times a week, 3 blogs and 3 videos because I just need to work on helping me at the minute and sort of love myself a little more again. I am not on youtube commenting and supporting as much because I get home from work and I have to put me first. Some nights I come home, eat, shower or bath and by 8pm I just want to read my book for a while. My book is my safety net I guess away from the world.
There has been several toilet meditation sessions this week. When I am about to explode I just go for a wee, shut off from the world for a bit and sit there breathing, meditating and calming down. It’s good to have a break anyway but to use that time to sort out yourself or try help at least really does me good. Go try it next week and see if it helps!
Though the week has been a struggle and the longest week on earth. I am still trying to stay positive, open up a bit more about my struggles and try seek help from loved ones. Finding the positives in everyday other the negatives is so good for your mind and life. Gratitude is something I have been writing about recently and there are so many things I am grateful and thankful for, whether they are small or huge. I’m probably going to be grateful and thankful for this time of sadness and hard times.
I’ve been making decisions to help me through the next few weeks and I really do hope these simple changes are going to help me stay calm and in a good mindset. It has to help me a little even if only a fraction because that is what has to come first and that is myself, my health and my body. Even if it hates me sometimes. Ever been to war with your own body? That can be daily for me.
Me time is my favourite time of the night. Every night, an hour or so before bed, I shut off from the world and unwind, relax ready for bed. Its a time where I can do what I want to be honest but I mainly stick to journals and reading. Up until January of this year, I never read unless I was on holiday. But now I read 2 books a month at least. Probably have read more this year than I have in my lifetime.
The 365 days of self care a journal, is a daily check in with yourself and it asks the same questions daily. Now I am near the end of the book, I have to be honest and say I am now wanting different questions but when I started it took forever to think of answers. Like how were you brave today? I may have made it worse because I want my answers to be different daily but its a hard one when you go work and come home again! Other questions are how much did I drink and sleep? What self care did I practice and what I am grateful for. The book also has pages of writing every now and again and monthly check ins to see how you did that month. It is good to look back on and see what’s happened and how you have changed over the year.
My daily planner is all about reminding myself I am am doing ok. Leaving all my feelings in the book to be able to sleep well and start a fresh the next day. Writing the phrases I live but and what I have to concentrate on that day. Such as be the better person, stay strong and focus on the future.
Bullet journaling is where my creativity comes in. I love to create my journal pages, add colour and tape to make it all happy and me. Even just the splash of colour makes the pages look better and more inviting. My bullet journal is all about my mood and positivity. All my positives of each day are written down and reminds me of all the good points in each day.
This coming week, it’s going to be a busy one, the beginning of it is anyway. I am Christmas shopping followed by going to Jade’s for a bit. Sunday is my Grandma’s birthday meal. Then work and floristry. Happy that I have a chilled week for the rest to be honest, I need to make sure I make the right decisions and be happy with them before I commit. Hopefully I will be wanting better food and healthier at least. Another I am super happy to be making but also finishing is an overnight bag which is an order for a friend’s mum.
Toilet meditation, reading and trying to stay on an ok level is all that I want and need for the upcoming week. Love and support and to avoid negatives as much as possible. What are your plans for this week?