As many of you know my life has been a little different these past 5 years. One because I have had 3 operations and 2 other procedures done in an operating theatre. Two because the 5 year long outcome became the same as the first result! Confirming I have endometriosis. Three mash the daily life of trying to live like a 29 year old, working and enjoying life with the added fact, in my own words that my body hates me. And finally four because this year I didn’t expect to loose one but two grandads in the space of 5 months. I suppose I could at factor number five of all the negativity around me that I can’t control and that makes me work harder for myself and positive life.
This year I set the goal of a year of self care. Self care is hugely important to me and without I am sure I would be living a completely worse life without it. It’s for everyone, those who are having a hard time, those who have a chronic illness or disease, mental health problems and those who just want to take care of themselves and their needs. I dedicated 2019 to me, to my needs and what I want in lift. What I want is a happy, healthier and positive life.
If I was to look back to the first of January 2019 to now as I write this the 25th of October 2019. I can definitely tell you a lot has changed, the beginning of the year was a time of stuck, unsure and not fully healthy. To be fair I have to laugh because I don’t think there is a day I am 100% tip top healthy. But you know what I mean.
Endometriosis isn’t just a stabbing pain in your lower abdomen. It’s a fight with your own body. I say my body hates me because realistically that is what it feels like on the bad days. To think that I spent from January of 2018 to end of May 2018 really unwell waiting for an answer and someone to operate again and tell me what’s what. That 5 months alone where I was just working and spending my free time in bed, asleep or in agony. A&E, doctors and hospital appointments in that too. You can see why endometriosis isn’t just there, it causes you, in the bad times to not live a life. Which is really sad and I am dreading the day it comes back as bad as that and bites in the bum and I long the wait for tests and another operation.
Anyway more cheery and positive from now on. If I can be. This week has been a struggle for me. Not going to lie. Really I have only been to work two and a half days and that was enough. That is why self care is so important. I now know that I can’t be around negativity for long at all. For me living a negative life or being round it draws in my pain and lets it play and cause havoc in my body. Listen to your body, do you really have to be negative about everything? The answer is no, you don’t have to be.
Gratitude is something you learn and you can be or have gratitude towards anything! Let’s put me as the example here. You know 2019 has had a lot of turns and twists, people leaving my world and hurting me in many ways. I have lost 2 grandads and I have so much kindness and feelings of thankfulness to have had them in my life for so long. Appreciate the happy memories and live with them. Be so grateful that you have people in the world that love and care for you and don’t put a negative stamp on it. Another example of me. Do you really think I want endometriosis? It is the last thing on earth I would wish anyone to have. But as much as I write about it and try share my experience of endometriosis, I am not talking about it 24/7 or my life would be miserable.
You know life is cruel and so many illness and problems in the world are. But really many with health issues don’t have that chance to change how they are or feel. It’s unfortunately how they are. And really being positive and enjoying what you have and can do that is really the most important.
Like I mentioned earlier, this week of course has been one of the hardest week’s in my life. I lost my grandfather 4 weeks ago and this week was his funeral. The saddest, most hardest thing to deal with, is to lose a loved one. Maybe that is why I have more gratitude too many a thing.
Being asked to do the flowers for my Grandad’s wake wasn’t just something I was extremely happy to do and wanted to do. But I put so much effort to make them right and what my grandad would be proud of me for. I haven’t been doing floristry that long and though I am creative and seem to have a natural talent for it placing every rose correctly and taking my time meant so much more to me than a say a bouquet or practice in class.
Love is what I put into that. I wanted them to be right and looked at with how beautiful the roses were. How each red rose was placed with happiness and knowing that was for my grandad. Someone who I saw daily growing up and someone who changed his lifestyle the day I was born deserves all my love and effort to make him super proud and happy.
Funerals are the worst for negativity. The emotions of loosing a loved one, worrying of other loved ones and crying your heart out as the coffin is brought in. Not only that but its just all a little sad and heartbreak and funerals are negatives you have to deal with but really don’t want to. It is the longest of day as well. Waiting around and getting ready, waiting for the funeral to begin and then waiting till all the guests have gone.
If you have been following me in this years journey, you will know I have been stressed and a bit emotional the past month. Well I was at dinner with my family on Wednesday night, just after the funeral and I said to my mum “ you know what mum, I can’t do this. I need to sleep for ages and I really can’t face work tomorrow.”
For the first time I just did it, I cancelled work the next day and spent the day to myself. It’s the best decision I have made in a long while. Must be my favourite day of this week! I laid in till 10am, and spent the day at home and mostly in bed. You have to listen to your body because in reality it knows best. Exhausted and emotional and all I wanted was a chilled day, naps and nothing more than my warm cosy bed. The best cup of tea I needed.
Sleep is so good for me, my body needs it obviously. It craves a good 12 hour sleep on Friday and Saturday nights. I use to nap all the time and it got to the stage where I slept for a good 2 hours on the sofa each night around 7pm for a few years. Must of been 3 years ago when my doctor told me not to nap anymore unless I really wasn’t well. Guess you could say my naps were replaced with the long nights sleeps at weekends and days off but its my way of shutting off and leaving my pain and feelings behind. Nap time is rare these days but it if is a bad day or I feel I would benefit from one I do have one. Has to be a good 2 hour nap to be successful though.
My self care really doesn’t overly change from week to week to be fair. Emotions and moods can completely change though and listening to what my body needs and doing what I can really helps. You know self care isn’t all singing and dancing. Its about realising that actually bad days are ok as well as good ones and if it was only you got dressed today then that’s more than I did on Thursday! I have really learnt to be ok with the bad times and in them times to listen and do as my body wants and needs. That being a day of what you love or staying home then do it.
Like I mentioned earlier, my self care is pretty much set as a routine now and I have daily things to practice as well as weekly ones. It’s all about what I love and need and everything that makes me happy. If the negative appears then I am out. That’s the one thing I am avoiding at all costs right now, my high needs to stay high.
Creativity is something I love, crave and need. Not only because it’s comes naturally to me but because I enjoy it. It’s a time where I can busy myself in whatever craft and forget about my problems and troubles. I go to floristry classes every Tuesday and its great to learn more on the arranging and learning new techniques as well as create. This week we used gourds as part of our arrangement. To be fair I sometimes read the sheet and think we are making what? But once the tutors done hers and I create mine to my own taste I am super happy about it.
Me time has to be the best part of everyday. I would never thought I would be saying it at the beginning of 2019 but as its coming to the end I love it. It’s all about me, no one else. Switched off from the world and it all helps me for a better nights sleep!
The 365 Days Of Self Care A Journal asks the same questions daily. I really wish they changed it up a bit but never the less, I am still finding new ways of being brave or what I am grateful for everyday. It’s rare that I am grateful for the same thing everyday and the bravery could be that I did something out of my comfort zone or pushed myself to stand up for me. Every now and then we have paragraphs to read, just reminders and things that actually you should think of more.
This weeks being about an inclination towards the negative. Definitely something I have learnt this year. As the book and my doctor said. Go live happy, do what makes you happy and push the positivity! Negatives always screamer a little louder than the positives but the positives let you let a better, healthier life. That really is why I ask you to write down a positive in everyday and look back at them in a weeks time. You’ll of had a better week, trust me, even if a loved ones died, your legs been chopped off and you lost your job. It will be better!
Pushing the positivity is what my bullet journal is for. Everyday I write all the positives about the day, what’s happened in a positive way and what I am driven for. Also take time to log my mood daily to keep it on track and to look back on and say ok October was good, bad etc and what I want to improve on.
Then it comes to my daily planner. Again I daily journal and this is all about the 10 phrases I live by daily. A gentle reminder of them and keeps them planted in my brain. All the feelings negative and positive so I can shut them away for tomorrow is a new day. Also helps me sleep better. And it’s a daily way of setting a routine and keeping organised. I know when and what I need to achieve that day just by looking at my planner.
Every night I end them with about 40 minutes of reading. Its relaxing, calming and is keeping my brain going but taking the worry from it at the same time. The book has to be a good one for me to read it fully, if I am not loving it by page 20 then I may as well shut it and start another. Thats how I role if its good and I am gripped then there’s no stopping me otherwise don’t bother even showing me the cover. I just want to put it out there as well that this year I have probably read more books than in my whole lifetime. Reading is or was something I struggled with as a child and even now too. But it’s a way to settle me each night, my brain can start shutting down and preparing for a good nights sleep.
For this week, I really want to try focus on a healthy diet. Not that mine isn’t I just feel I need to go on the only carbs at lunch sort of thing. Other than that just to try stay focused and positive. What do you want to do this week? Anything new you want to try?