Life can be extremely hard and most will say 2020 has been the hardest year for them yet. That is why self care is so important. Just under 2 years ago, I challenged myself to learn to love myself and my life. Even with a chronic illness and pain, I can love my life, with a little help from self care. It isn’t all plain sailing and I still have ups and downs but so does everyone in life. 

I am sitting here writing this out, on the sofa, whilst I am watching An Extra Slice. As much as that sounds good, I have tears in my eyes, a few running down my cheeks and my good old friend anxiety is here. Honestly, I don’t know why because I haven’t felt this in a long long time but like endometriosis, it never wants me to forget it. Clearly! 

Maybe it is just this week has been hard and it has caught up with me. And/or the colder weather. Who knows really, sometimes these things happen, especially being a girl. A cry though, is as good as a laugh sometimes and maybe tomorrow, I will wake up a happier. I am 30 years old and right now all I want is a hug from my mum. 

So as mentioned this week has been hard. Due to the pandemic, it has taken a year to be able to do the interment of ashes for my Grandad. Never been to one before, so didn’t know what to expect. Definitely not what felt like a whole another funeral, yet socially distanced in a cemetery. My Grandma stood crying, as no one else walked to hug her, I did. She is in our bubble, it is ok and it was nice. 

The thing that got me tearful was when the guy played Simply The Best, my eyes welled up, tears started to roll, I sang and danced a little in the middle of a cemetery. That was nearer to the end and I am thankful that it wasn’t raining. I looked up to the sky because it was a beautiful autumn day. Fresh blue sky, limited clouds though the ones there were crisp and a pretty white. A dove actually flew past at that point, which may have been a sign. Who knows. 

It would seem that my emotions are blocked until I am in my save zone. Not that being with family and in a cemetery isn’t safe. But I am strong until I am on my own basically. Or where I guess I am not going to be judged. I have been like this since being unwell, I’d fake being ok and strong until people left or I was home, then I would ball my eyes out. When I got home on Wednesday night, I just felt empty inside and sad. Really tired and that is because things like that are exhausting. 

Other than that, I have worked all day every day. Four day weeks are quite nice actually. But I seem to be busy which is really good. There isn’t a day that seems to go by and I am not working hard on all sorts. I have to be extremely grateful for my job and for working from home. This pandemic has really helped me, in myself actually and that is why, the way I am feeling now feels really odd and don’t like it. 

I sat trying to watch The Bake Off on Tuesday with my mum and I actually put effort in and done myself a set of gels. There is something that makes me smile, when I have my nails done. They are just pretty and look so much better. Sort of like I made an effort, even if I can go with these for 2 weeks at least. Because I have the kit and a handful of colours, I really need to put more effort into doing them more often. It isn’t hard to do and takes 30 minutes max, I should just set some time every fortnight and have a little pamper and extra me time. 

The only thing that I think has gone well this week is my reading. I set myself the hour before bed to read purely. Though I read as well as a 10 year old. Probably less, I am good with continuing with a book. This book I am 75% into, I must have been reading for at least 2 weeks, which I would say is slow. When I read, it’s on my kindle, so I get given the read time, hence why I think I am slow. If the book gets me hooked then I am there, if not I am not into reading at all. Believe the book I am reading now of Marian Keyes, is a series, so I can’t wait to finish and read the next in the series. 

People think its crazy the amount I sleep. But I need it, without sleep I am messed up and honestly there is no point being around me. Just send me to bed for a couple hours. I was lucky for the day off on Wednesday, that I could lay in. My sisters though seem to call several times a day to my mum and the ringing woke me up. How nice of them. Though I dozed until 9, I was so tired. Last night I ended up asleep by 9:30 and I really cannot wait to get a lay in on Sunday. Maybe that is another reason I am emotional, that I need a bit of sleep. 

Other than that I have to say my week has been kind of boring. I am in that routine now and day to day life is ok. My routine is good and I am have things I stick to, self care wise daily. There is even times now daily that I am on the sofa and watching actual tv. Which is really odd for me. But I sort of like it. That and rollercoaster tycoon, I seem to be addicted to it. 

This week coming I want to try knock this worry and anxiety on the head. I honestly don’t know why it has appeared still and if it will hang round. Really don’t know how to get it to leave because asking it, isn’t going to help. So we maybe writing some stuff in my bujo or playing around with worksheets and get it gone. Other than that, I feel I am doing ok and that I am happy in my little life. 

What is something you want to focus on this week?