Self care came into my life a good 3 years ago I would say, maybe more. When you are like me who has a chronic illness and pain for that matter. Life can become really tricky, you get stuck in a hole and trapped there. If it’s due to being unwell with endometriosis or anything else it really does suck. That is where self care comes into play. I’m not talking about daily showering as such its about thinking and looking after yourself.
Anyone who has followed my weekly updates will know I have been sky high with achievements, goals and happiness. But there have also been a few weeks when life has gotten to rock bottom. That is ok, both of them are but adding self care into life helps me to come out of the rock bottom stage and hit sky high more frequently. I am happy about life, an average ok life to be fair. 2019 I set the goal to use self care and find me the happy life I want. My weekly updates are in a way a journal for me to see what life was like and what I have done, changed and adapted to make that happen. It also gives you a chance to see self care really does matter and what you can learn from me and self care itself.
This week has been meh! Pretty rubbish to be fair. I have or nearly about to hit rock bottom. Which makes me super sad and emotional. It is such a negative, horrible place to be in and why am there is for many reasons all jumbled together and smacked back at my face. Rock bottom is a place I haven’t visited in a long time actually. I’ve been on an ok life for a while to be honest but this has really made me kick myself and ask me why have I let myself get here?
Positivity is my thing, I always want to be positive and I want that all around me. But really I can’t tell or make someone happy who just drags their feet in the negative muddy trail. I can’t live a life full of joy and happiness all the time. Because in reality there’s always something that happens to push you down.
It’s all about the getting back up again and I really hope this weekend I can do that, even if it’s a fraction above the rock! If not I hope to next week or gradually anyway, Just one step at a time.
My rock bottom maybe completely different to everyone else’s because I am still getting up each day, going to work, floristry, catching up with friends and general grown up life. To be fair thinking about it I’ve done a lot at rock bottom. That is why I am told I am “strong’. I don’t give up, everyday I get up dressed, hair and makeup. Put on a smile even if its a fake one and get on with my day. Knowing each day is new and I will get through this bad time. If I left it to my endometriosis and my body I would be bed bound for at least half the year!
The combination that got me here, well if you haven’t guessed. Yes my Grandad died on the 29th of September. That is one reason. Another is I am stressed, I have a lot on my plate right now, work, home and health. Mash them all together and there I am! You know when everything gets too much and you just want to go hide until its all over? Well that’s where my body wants to be, my mind too for that matter. But I am plodding on through.
I know I shouldn’t be annoyed with myself for feeling this way, I really shouldn’t. It’s a rare thing these days and that is what self care is for. Not all the happy, fairy tale stuff and the amazing achievements, its about getting through the hard times with a little extra help and love. Thinking about it, I am achieving something here because it’s Friday now as I write this and I have got up, dressed and gone to work everyday.
On Tuesday I was super tired. Alexa went off at 7am and I nearly threw her out the window! In the end I was shouting at her “will you shut up.” She didn’t stop after me telling her to stop, it took 3 or 4 attempts. If I don’t get out of bed when the alarm goes, especially this week, I would still be in bed now. (lol I am but I mean to go to work daily).
Tuesday felt the longest day this week. Its a long day for me to be fair, leave around 20 to 8am and get home around 10pm. So even on a “normal” week long but its my chance to spend time with my mum. Be creative with my floristry and learn a new skill that I am loving. Creativity is something that comes natural to me but back in April floristry was completely new to me. At first when you sit at the table waiting for class to start and you have 3 limes in front of you. You do question if you are going to like the make or not, but actually I’m really impressed with this week’s one and all foliage makes it prettier. Even in the demonstration I was finding it hard to keep my eyes open.
Wednesday evening brought a lift to my spirit. Thank you to my bestie and her mini me. If you didn’t know I love babies and children to be fair. I just get on with them, they love me and I enjoy their company as well as my grownup friends. It just brought so much love to my heart because I was warned she is really shy at the minute and takes time to like you. Even though she has met me several times.
Well she loves me. Straight away a cuddle then we ran the corridors to my flat, pushing the lift buttons and opening the doors for mummy. We looked at my makeup and everything sphere sort of shape was a pumpkin! Which the 2 I actually had were carried everywhere. Sat at the dining table like civilised grownups, cheered our drinks, glasses and bottles. Ate pasta followed by chocolate pudding and ice cream. Then the most cutest part. I gave my bestie her birthday present which of course her 1 year old helped open. Her little face and reaction to the grey photo frame with gold lettering friends and a photo of the 3 of us at Christmas. After me, mummy and her (thats me) she hugged the photo frame.
As children do they go through bags, draws and whatever is new around them. She found my headphones and was wearing them like a scarf. Another melt my heart moment when I showed her what they were by plugging them into my phone. Holding them to her ears and playing Christmas music. Her little face lite up and she was dancing. Needless to say we pretended to fly back through the corridors to their car and she gave me a proper snuggly hug and sloppy kiss.
I seriously need to learn to say no! And by no mean no. Even when I say no I am struggling I can’t do anymore, people need to realise that actually I am grieving for my grandad, trying to stay strong and push my health to be the best it will be. Whilst doing 1 million and 1 other things. There is definitely a way of doing so but I am not sure its the way I am doing it. Otherwise I wouldn’t be at rock bottom.
By Thursday I was done. Everything was effort, I was craving junk food and needing it more than the chocolate cake the night before. An early night would of worked the same. But junk food sounds nice right now. I have had a bag of white chocolate and raspberry cookies this week, ok my mini bestie ate half of one. Chocolate cake and ice cream, a slice of Claire’s birthday cake, a cookie at work and chocolate maybe. Bowls of pasta with just salad cream and tonight a chicken Kiev and a bread roll.
See why it’s a bad week? I sat at my desk today at work, and cried or had tears in my eyes several times. Thankfully I didn’t full on cry and get a red blotchy face but its the emotions of an extremely tired girl, living a battle with her body, someone who is maybe too kind and helpful and one who just wants her Grandad.
Its 9pm now on Friday night as I write this for you and how rock and roll life is for me! Sitting in bed with my MacBook on my lap and the noise of my neighbours going out for a cigarette every half hour and that is my ok. I love being in my pyjamas, I love being at home in bed, snuggled up watching something or doing my journals. Smiling at the fact I love that little girl as my own and she brings so much joy to me.
Reminding myself that things are ok and will be. It’s natural to grieve and I was so close to my grandad it’s natural to be this way. The last words I told him was “i love you” something my family don’t say to each other often. And that just makes me happy that I actually said that to him and it was the last thing I said to him. Though that brings tears to my eyes I am super happy that I did and that I have all the memories of him and I together.
My journals are my daily check ins with myself. Even on the bad days I still do my journals as I mentioned earlier self care isn’t all about being happy, doing happy things. It’s getting through the bad times, the struggles and coming out the other side. The 365 days of self care a journal, checks in on the same things daily to make you think more about how to be brave, what’s good amount to drink and sleep and most importantly gratitude.
Daily planning is something I do to document all my feelings, write down reminders of what I want to be and focus on each day. How and what I need to do in that day and everything and anything else that takes my fancy.
Finally my bullet journal. I stopped off at Hobbycraft tonight on the way home because I needed something for a craft video and I picked up some stickers. Ok I am on a no spend but £5 isn’t going to break the bank. That includes the supplies I need for my video. My bullet journal is all about positivity, how I am and what I am focused on. Nothing is negative as such the only thing that can be seen as negative is that I track my mood.
So even though I could be seen as an emotional wreck, crashed down to rock bottom. I am here, I am ok and I will be. It’s all natural, I am a lady I am allowed to be emotional, I can take on too much because sometimes that distracts me. Other times it leaves me where I am now. Even writing this has helped to be fair, I am no longer as tense as I was at 6pm say and I am relaxing.
This weekend I am going to have a lay in or two. I have the doctors on Monday morning for a check up nothing fancy and I am thinking should I stay at my mums so I can sleep longer? Friends and family are super important to me and that’s why tomorrow I am off to my close friends house to make pumpkins with her girls. Catch up and chill out. There is so much going on that I can just bury myself in playing games and making pumpkins with the girls and chatting with Jade. Sunday I really need photos but I know its meant to rain so whether or not I get those photos is another story.
But it has to be about me at the minute. I have really learnt that this week. Though I am still moving I need to slow down a bit, do what I want and when I want. Say no to the pushers and fight my corner. Eat what I want but in moderation and climb the ladder again to success.
Those bubble baths, extra layers, heat packs and snuggles are all I want and need. Early nights and to make my face smile. Its not hard because I have one now and that’s from a week of hell. Its just checking in and realising that your bad week is ok and you have so many happy things out of it.
How was your week? I hope better than mine. What are your goals for next week? Mine is to say no and mean it! To spend time with myself and love that time. Take each day at a time and climb the ladder slowly, remembering to meditate and check in with myself daily. If something is bothering me then I need to stop and re think to push the positivity and smile I deserve.