Self care is my goal for 2019. I wanted a year to concentrate on myself, what I want in life and who/what makes me happy. It really is hard to life a happy life when negativity is around you so often. Mine mainly being my chronic illness endometriosis. Last year I waited 4 months for an operation and by the time I eventually got it, I was scared to do anything alone or even go out with friends. Sad really when you are working Monday – Friday and then crashing in the evenings and weekends because you are poorly. This is why I wanted to learn more about me this year and what my body needs to do things in general life.
Push the positivity and throughout the negativity! I wish it was easy as that. To be honest 2019 has been a hard year on me and one where I have suffered. Maybe if I knew what was to come this year maybe my goals would be for a happier life. Anyway I am here with my weekly update and I want to check in with you all. Make sure you are all ok and having the best life you can live!
This week has been really hard on me. If you watch my youtube videos you will see real life on tomorrows video when I find out my Grandad died in hospital on Sunday. Still now I am in shock and deep sadness over this and I really can’t believe he has gone and left me. I am pretty sure I have mentioned this on my videos anyway. But my Grandad, Grandad Gerald was my hero. Not that I had a different relationship or love from Grandad Dave.
Grandad Gerald gave up smoking the day I was born. He had various things wrong with him but never gave up. Always pushed on and lived for me and his other grandchildren. When I spoke to him on the phone the other week I didn’t think I was telling him I loved him for the last time. This is why I say negativity is something that sometimes just happens. For the fact he was meant to come home on Monday, but to die the day before is a huge shock and the deepest sadness to us all. My hero has left me forever.
My dad says this is a coincidence but I now believe that it rains the day after a loved one dies. Both times this year when my Grandads have died it has rained the next day. Not a little bit either but a lot. I am sure there are people dying everyday of the year so really it can’t be true but seems to be the way for me.
Keeping positive has been hard this week. Really hard. Anything to do with hospitals or dying and death, I have to shut off or run away. Not because I don’t care for others and their problems but its too rare for me to handle. I’ve just wanted to be a quiet little ball in the corner trying to go on in life and talk when I want to.
Monday I was warn out and emotional. I hadn’t slept the night before so I was tired. But I had been given extra work at work to do which I could just concentrate on in my own little world. The first time seeing someone after you’ve lost someone is the hardest thing. Especially when its your manager. Cried and cried, walked out of the office and to my friend cried a little more. Then I was ok. By 3:30pm I was done, I needed my bed I was so tired.
Sleep is really important part of self care for me as you may know. So having none is like a no go for me. I need a good 9 hours plus to run on for the day. Simple thing for me was to go home, have a hot bath and an early night.
With the weather getting colder here, its actually been a really cold week. I love sweatshirts and long sleeves because of warmth. Nothing else I love being cosy and warm. So this week I have been in long sleeve t-shirts, knitted oversized cardigans and doc martens. Ok jeans as well. Even got the vests out because I feel the cold more than anyone else. Crazy as that sounds with it being 12 degrees most days I really feel it about 8 degrees. Layers are stylish, warm and comfortable. All ticks from me.
Due to my sleep being a little off routine this week, I got cold watching the series final of Fearne Cotton’s Interior Design Masters. So I added my pyjama sweatshirt. Well I’ve not took it off as part of my pyjamas and its now even slept in. I have to say though Wednesday night was the best nights sleep I’ve had all week. Last nights wasn’t that bad but I can’t wait for my lie in tomorrow.
Singing is something my Grandad did all the time. All week I have been singing “in the arms of an angel, I’ll take you home”. Just them lyrics not the rest of the song or anything. I don’t even think it’s a song my Grandad sung but its been in my head and still is now. Relatable to the fact my Grandad died but still.
If I sing I think I am happy. It’s a rare thing I sing, one because I can’t and two because I feel awkward about it. I know my Grandad would sing where ever so maybe that’s why I am. Coming home each night has made me happy as well. The heating clicks on and I am in my “safe” place.
That is the best thing about living alone you can do what you want, when you want to. My diet really hasn’t been the best this week. But I had the most amazing meal of chicken Kiev, potato waffles and asparagus on Thursday. Oh my, its was the first time I have had junk for dinner in a long time. Or what I would call a kids meal. Chicken nuggets and chips basically but with some garlic butter and asparagus. The garlic oozed out everywhere and the whole meal became garlicky.
Really that’s when self care is good. I am listening to my body and I am doing what it wants. Sometimes I have to think more practical about things but I wanted that and I was needing that because I was an emotional state, grieving for my loss. Might even be the best thing I’ve done all week.
Listening to my body I have also clicked the extra hot water on every night and had a long soak in the bath. Bath time is a favourite of each day. I whacked my toe on the hoover on Wednesday and thought I had broken it. My dad facetimed me and my Grandma was still dressed. It has to be our generation but I am always in my pyjamas at home. They are comfy and help my endometriosis. Let’s use that as an excuse.
Every night I have had a smile on my face. Why I can’t pin point it. But it’s been there. I sit on my bed around 8:30 – 9pm every night and I get my journals. Maybe that’s why?! The little smile appears and I am ready to doodle, write and do whatever I fancy. Me time is the best.
I have really learnt a lot from me time this year. Something new I decided to implement as part of my self care. The majority of nights of 2019 have been spent with my nose in a book or writing down something or another. Probably every night but Tuesdays because I get home in time for bed after floristry to be fair.
It’s my little hour to myself, where I can let go of my emotions. Run free with my ideas and mind. Leave what I want to behind and read what takes my fancy. As of October I can say that I want to continue my journals and me time next year. Whether the journals are the same, similar or different I am yet to decide but in one way or another I will be continuing.
Bullet journalling is something I could leave or stick to. Right now I am loving my journalling. Maybe because its all positive and I am really trying to focus on the positives. But I am doodling, creating, researching, writing and experimenting with ideas. God knows how I passed art and fashion design in school or college because now my drawing seems rubbish. Could be because I haven’t drawn in a good 10 years but still. It’s really something I love and I try to share at least two ideas a month over on my youtube channel.
My 365 days of Self Care A Journal, seems to be too repeated. I am getting a little like I need to swap this out though I am going to accomplish 365 of self care. Every day it asks the same questions and I have to say this week I have been brave by not crying all the time. Getting on with work and busying myself when I could easily not. It needs more check ins or pages of good information. Maybe I just feel this way because of the way I am grieving but who knows. Only time will tell.
Daily planning was something I brought new into this year. I love writing in this and going by the phrases I now live each day by. My feelings whether they are good, bad, random or the same as yesterday and my goals for the day. Using this as my focus and to be able to achieve my goals. Motivate me to do what I need to do and focus on in life.
Heartburn is something that irritates me from time to time. To be fair I can go from burping continuously for days on end to nothing. Its been good for a while now but it seems the sadness of my grandad dying has brought it back. The tightness is back and its like I need to burp more. I even coughed after I drunk water today because I needed to burp. Fingers crossed this will go away soon. For now it’s a bottle of coke and gaviscon.
Something I am really working on this month is saving. I don’t want to spend a penny. Only on my essentials, like food, petrol, bills and my classes. Nothing else. This will be 2 weekends in and I am yet to spend but it got to 4pm at work today and I had that itch to spend some money. Really hoping I don’t spend any and continue to really push that savings fund.
This week hasn’t been the best for me of course you can tell that. From my grandad dying, to whacking my toe and not the best sleep. I am still trying to focus on the positives. As I mentioned earlier self care isn’t all about the good happy things in life. It’s also about stopping and taking the time to cry. Letting out the emotion. Laying in bed and sleeping. Talking to friends and family. Seeking guidance when you are at your worst and pushing through each day to get the best from yourself and your world.
What can I say have been the best self care things for this week? Me time always. My bullet journal and the creativity it brings to me and my smile. Adding layers to sleep better in the colder weather. Crying because I am lost and grieving. Talking to my friends who other support and help through the hardest time. And of course my amazing chicken Kiev, asparagus and potato waffles.
For the upcoming week, I really want to go back to floristry. We didn’t this week due to my grandad. I want to push my positivity and gain more happiness. Smile through the hard times and push my goals more. Maybe I should try add a new thing to achieve. But who knows because life doesn’t run smoothly and everything could and can change with a click of fingers.
What are your plans for this week? Do you have something you want to focus on? Or try something new?