There are so many if, buts and maybes in the world right now. That we don’t know what is right or wrong to do. We are all a little on edge of what is going to happen next. This year seems to be a rollercoaster and inside I feel we are about to drop fast back to rock bottom. A lot of emotions going around as well, which is why self care is so important. You don’t have to have mental health problems or a chronic illness. Self care is for everyone and right now the most important to care for is you. 

For so many weeks now, I have felt good. Which is amazing. But I really do feel like I am ending this week in an ok way. By ok, I mean less than good, not rock bottom but just emotional I guess. The can’t be bothered, nothing is entertaining me, just want to sit and do nothing kinda ok. Good days/weeks and bad days/weeks are ok and both are equally as good. Just break away or push yourself, focus and learn.

I honestly feel like I could cry at any minute. One button away from those tears! There are so many emotions in me right now, that I could cry or just sit and do nothing. For a reason I just don’t know why, other than things, good and bad have been annoying me. Irritating and frustrating me. Normally I am all hyped on a Friday night, ready for the weekend. But now I just want to go to bed and maybe cry a little. 

But honestly all my highs and amazing weeks always comes down to a bad day or two. That is what today and I guess yesterday are for me. Just a bad day or two! It is the weekend now and I will be ok. Inside I do have a smile and I am fine. It’s all just got a little too much this week. The week wasn’t overly bad and its just a time where I guess I am grumpy and need a little more tlc. 

Tonight is a push myself and focus on something kinda night. I am writing this because I want to for me but also for others. After this I am going to chill out for a while and watch some YouTube before an early night. Today I have been thinking a lot and I think I am going to change things a little in my day to day life as a trial for October. Not quitting my job or anything like that. But I just need to twist and change a few things that aren’t helping me anymore or making me think twice about. I’ve start one this week actually and it is helping me. 

Every night at 9pm I stop what I am doing, turn off from the world and read for an hour. This hour is pretty much an hour to myself to do something I want. Mine is based off reading because its calming before bed. But you can do whatever you want, reading, something creative, anything that isn’t using technology. The purpose is for you and to forget about the world and things around you. 

This is the one thing I have started to change this week and I think its helping me. I use to stop come 9pm, read for 45 minutes. Then I would get up, get food out for next day, brush teeth, take tablets etc. which all sounds fine but I would then lay wriggling round to get comfy to go sleep. So I have switched it a little now and my sleep is so much better. At 9pm I stop what I am doing, go get ready for bed, food out, brush teeth etc. Turn the lights off as if I was going to sleep. My kindle is a paper white one, so it is bright enough to read in dark. Read a few chapters and switch it off at 10 and fall to sleep straight away, near enough. 

Finally finished a book I have been reading for weeks now and started a new one. Books and me aren’t the best of friends. I probably can read as well as a 10 year old. My last book took me forever to get into, but I didn’t want it to end, when it starting rapping up in the final chapters. Though the book I started this week, I know I am going to fly through because I am hooked already and into chapter 10 already. Its not talking to me yet, read me, read me. But I am sure its on its way to that!

Being organised is really helping me as well. Honestly packing my weekends out with filming, editing, writing, whatever is making my week nights work so much better. For me anyway. Come 5pm I am running a bath, cooking my tea and chilling for the evening. It is still amazing me that come 8pm I am thinking what to do but we are feeling better for it. Another reason why I am pushing myself to write this tonight. 

I am still working from home and not 100% when or/and if we will return. But I am loving the working from home life still. It is the weirdest thing, sitting in my dining area and working from 8:30-5. Somehow in me, makes the days fly by and I am not up and about here there and everywhere. That is what I thought I would be, when I started working from home. Distractions I thought, but no I am there and I am working solidly. Though I am trying to stop for a little break 5 minutes max in the morning and afternoon. I’ve taken to sitting on my living room chair and staring out the window. Odd but really helpful. 

My bullet journal is just not inviting to be at the minute. Tonight I actually feel like I will benefit from writing my feelings and thoughts down. But I know I just can’t force myself to write. Anything that becomes a chore needs to be fixed and I am going to try fix it in October. Somehow! It is there in my living room with me 24/7, so it would make sense for me to just pick up and write. I just can’t do it though. It is boring me, maybe I need to break from the daily write up and change it around. That will be October’s plan, that I am going to draw up in the morning. 

There are somethings that will never change for me though. Like a good hot bubble bath, my warm cosy bed and pyjamas. Even the healthy eating with one naughty treat a day makes me happy. Basically I am saying if my body feels good, I feel good. And all of them have happened this week. I know my body is unpredictable at the best of times, but its feeling good 6 out of 7 days. Which is an achievement in itself. Not meaning I am poorly or needing an operation, just that its playing games with me. That is all. 

The hardest struggle is my mind at the minute and where I should be, verses where I am today. I am just frustrated and emotional in where I should be, with my goals and plans. There are so many things around me, that bring me back down to where I wanted to be right now and are upsetting me, for not being there. But I really have to keep reminding myself of the future, my time will come and I have to wait. Though I am in the right direction, I just need to complete on this move and hurry a long a little more. 

I am never going to be a social butterfly because I am in an introvert and I love this lockdown life on my own. Doing what I want, when I want and that. But though I wanted to be more social this week, I have put not to tick the task off as complete. So I am going to write this down and have it on my tick list to do in the working week. 

This week coming I am going to chill some more. Find a happy medium and try stay there. Keep up the hard work and stay organised. Keep my flat nice, clean and tidy because its so nice and happy when its immaculate. Push myself a little more and to block the frustrations somehow. I don’t know how, but I am going to work on how, at least. 

What do you want to focus on this week?