Here we are sitting reading this on a Sunday, isn’t this year going quickly. This year I set out the goal to follow self care and love myself again. So far that is exactly what I have and will continue to do. The thing is I have endometriosis and most of the times it likes to appear when I don’t want or need it too. That is why I learn and came across self care, a good 2 years ago. 

Each day I have a routine that I try to follow. But it all depends on how I feel, what is going on and what I feel up to. I love to live a positive life and try to see the positive in everything. Positivity helps my endometriosis but mostly my pain. This year there have been a few unexpected things happen which have put me in a worser place. I just try my best to take each day as it comes. 

How has your week been? Good, bad or ugly? Or a mixture of everything. I started on a real high good feeling and I am ending it with an ugly feeling. Mixture is good because you should think of the positives rather than the negatives but sometimes its hard to see them. 

Self care isn’t just chocolate cake, bubble baths and exercising. It’s also about the naps, the time with loved ones and duvet days. It’s really important that if you are going to, or do follow self care you realise that and you know its ok to have bad days and good days. But try and find a good in every day. A positive life is a better one. 

Writing this now doesn’t seem real like this actually happened. Sunday I came home early from my parents where we celebrated father’s day. I just didn’t feel right, I have my weekly editing session on a Sunday night and I just wanted to be alone. 

Somehow me feeling not right and leaving early left Monday to be a really good day. I set tasks this week, or did for the beginning half anyway. I went to work as normal, it was a lovely calm day and I felt I had a clear head and space to work steadily but busy. My task for Monday night was the house work. I came home, wasn’t overly hungry so thought to myself lets do the housework first. 

Now I can definitely say to you that it’s something I hate doing, made be feel really good, happy and proud little homeowner. I had sausages and asparagus for my dinner ( I know a random combination) and laid on my bed literally just laid there. I was smiling, I was pleased and I was in some weird way that I was like a kid that want to jump on the bed. I didn’t but organising and keeping the space around you clean helps your mindset and gives you more of a homely feel. 

Tuesday was floristry of course creativity. Something I love to do and I have a natural flare to create. Tuesday is a day I look forward to each week, a day I know I spend the evening away from social media and spend time creating, learning something new and actually I have made a nice group of friends from it. 

Tuesday was when my nerves were starting to kick in a little. My mum normally comes to floristry with me, but was sick so I went alone. I have been alone before and it’s perfectly fine. Though I didn’t say or show it, I was anxious to go. It was like I didn’t have my comfort blanket of my mum and every time I go alone I am the first to arrive when I arrived the same time as the other weeks my mum is with me and the class has a few more people waiting in it. 

I am not going to lie about this, since my Grandad died I have been struggling. I don’t deal well with certain things and I need to teach myself to be ok with these things again. Wednesday was just the usual day of work and chill. I am tired on a Wednesday because I don’t get home on Tuesdays until at least my bedtime if not later. Again I wasn’t hungry straight away so did my task before dinner. 

This week I’ve washed my hair more than once. That sounds rank but my natural hair is just wild so if I straighten it, its easy to just wash the top when it needs it and wash my full head of hair once. Its actually better for you to wash your hair less anyway so really I am helping myself at the same time as having nicer looking hair. 

Then comes Thursday. The dreaded day. I had the hospital to see a pain specialist, I have seen this doctor before but when I wasn’t fully diagnosed with endometriosis. Anyone with endometriosis will get what I felt like going back there to the same doctor with the diagnosis they expected all along. 

I was super anxious to go to the hospital anyway, I hate hospitals and really I literally wasted £250 for a good 20 minutes of solid crying. I was referred back to this doctor from another consultant. Really I feel they just need to sort my pain out. I have adhesions stuck to organs and god knows where and we all know it. 

Like I mentioned earlier there is always a positive in everyday. It can be something simple or something amazing. Mine would have to be the simple fact of leaving work at 3:30pm. The rest of the evening was a total wash out. 

The worst part of Thursday is that I had to sit in the room, with a doctor and my mum and literally beg for answers. My body is rejecting me simple as. It hates me. If there was something I could take tomorrow that would help the pain I would. This time and why I feel its a waste of £250, is purely for the answer I got, which was along the lines of you need to get on with it. Learn to love your disease. Do the things that make you happy. 

Ok so if you follow me, you know money is tight, I have an addiction to fashion and I am trying to overcome that. What makes me happy? New clothes. Fashion, crafts and food. A month with Eleonora would be amazing too but not much money makes it all that little bit extra hard. 

Thursday was really when I wanted to be alone, I felt and still feel lost, alone and numb. I have massive amount of work and somehow something to make me feel better alone. 

Thursday I learnt even more so that since my Grandad died I like my personal space. I get claustrophobic easily, my mum went to hug me and I just couldn’t. I had to tell her to get away from me I can’t be near anyone. It’s not even just personal space, its  around me. It’s loudness and pointless conversations that I may not even be involved in. 

Thursday also made me super jealous of other people who can freely talk about what is/was wrong with them, how they can be negative and not get moaned at and how alone I feel in the world. I know I am not but it’s still fresh news to me that I am in this alone to fight my own body basically anyway. 

Someone who really has helped me this week, is Fearne Cotton. You maybe thinking what you don’t know her? Well that is the truth I don’t. Everyday I switch off from the environment around me, block myself from what is bothering me and listening to her happy place podcast. It really helps and Paloma Faith’s interview really was me in a nutshell but I don’t have the hierarchy like she does to sack the negative people around me. 

The other way Fearne Cotton is helping me, is because my lovely friend Bex brought me Fearne’s book Happy. I am literally about to finish it and I have read this in a week. It’s really helpful, it’s making me realise the people I can and should turn to. The peacefulness and the ways I need to look after myself. It’s giving me a lot of bullet journal ideas as well. Which I am super happy about. 

The book this week, it hasn’t given me any messages but I can already see there is one within the next couple days. I am continuing to fill these in daily. It’s clears my mind for the day and gives me the ability to have a good nights sleep. Which of course is the best thing for me. 

My daily planner again I am writing in daily. Having the phrases that push me through daily really helps. I think jotting my feelings down at the end of the day helps me too. Again clears my head for a good nights sleep. 

I have been looking into bullet journalling some more. I want to get back into not just daily planning but the journal creative side of it. Not only for daily things but for mood, saving and fun. I love to be creative so that is what distracts me I guess. Making note of gratitude and happiness as well as memories and photos along the way. 

For me self care really is about everything. From the chocolate cake or the pudding that seems to be happening more regularly. The bubble baths, the meditation, the hour of me time and the times when I need to plug in or walk off for a while, when things start to force negative feelings into me. Life isn’t always plain sailing and life can be extremely hard but everyone has them hard days. Everyone gets through them. You just have to combine or change things to be able to be happier and more confident in life. 

If you put yourself first on a daily basis then it can become easier and really helpful for you. Find a positive in every day and think of the positives more over the negatives. Think about the negatives and see if you can change them or move away from them. As hard as this sounds and to me as well, it does, somehow we will work this out together and push for a happier, less painful, positive future.