Hey how has self care been treating you these last two weeks? Good, bad or ugly? There has been a lot going on in my life and really there are still a few hiccups to overcome, and if you don’t follow me on instagram etc, then you probably have been thinking where have I been this week? Well here is where I tell you why and what’s going on.
Life can be really ugly at times and sometimes you really need to stop what you’re doing, take a break and shut off for a bit. I have been struggling a little, not going to lie. My Grandad passed away on May the 3rd and since then I pretty much have walked in and out of my flat and wriggled through the worst days. Even now writing again after a week’s break I am tearing up.
I really wanted to do my Grandad proud. You may think this weird because I can walk round with a camera in my face day after day. But I don’t have the confidence to stand up and talk in front of a group of people. I picked a lovely poem out that I originally wanted to say in a video but that wasn’t allowed at the crematorium. So I asked for the vicar to read on my before.
Making my Grandad proud, meant my sisters and I collected lots of photos up of memories of my Grandad and I put these together as a video. This is when I realised that or thought I would have to anyway stop for a bit. My MacBook is a typical Friday afternoon kind. One that tends to break or stops working from time to time. To be fair its every other month, I have to set it back to factory new. This time the apple technical support couldn’t fix it over the phone. So last Saturday we took it to the apple store in Cambridge and it was restored but they couldn’t fix this from happening. Basically in 2 months time I need to take it to them with it all clogged up so they can see. Trouble being I rely on my MacBook because though I don’t store anything on it, it is my only way of creating content for you.
That was when I hadn’t been organised that week and hadn’t uploaded every video and I was like no Mel you need sometime, a break, time to yourself, time spent with family and friends. Bury your head in floristry, shopping and most importantly self care. I was originally told it would take 2 weeks to repair so I was lucky to get it back the same day.
So I took sometime off work, it was bank holiday, we thought the wholesalers was open to the students, my grandad’s funeral and generally to spend time with loved ones.
Monday – Thursday 20th -23rd May was a real struggle. To be fair I was so quiet, I was in pain with my endometriosis and I really have been struggling with hearing the word dementia. I literally went to work and to floristry that was it. My endometriosis really flares up or what I think is endometriosis flares up around negativity. Hence why I try to have a positive life. Ok not everything can be positive and I 100% get that. I mean the last 3 weeks have been ugly. It just doesn’t help me. I canceled pilates because I was in pain, I have had a foggy head and felt super tired.
This is why I urge you to take a break if you need one! Go have a spoonful of chocolate spread, go spend time with your friends and family. Take a week off just to be lazy. Lay in and take care of yourself. Allow yourself to cry if you need too, Sleep if you need a nap. Go do whatever makes you happy. But make sure you include what your body needs. And that is simple as explaining self care.
Its happiness and kindness to yourself. I have been really trying to eat super clean and healthy, one because its good for me, but also because of my endometriosis, I think. I bloat a lot. Some days I can just feel fat. I am not, I am a size 10 but you know everyone gets it where somedays are just off and you look and feel fat. Or your mind is telling you you are.
Anxiety isn’t really something I have overly touched online about myself anyway. But again since my Grandad died, I am suffering quite a bit. You know when you think you will have a panic attack so it makes you worry before you have even got out the house. Thats sort of been happening. You see I actually though I live independently, I rely on my parents a lot. I am scared of the supermarket alone and I don’t even know why. Things like floristry class, I would rather go with my mum than alone. Anxiety can be ugly at times but it’s making yourself do the things you need to, to overcome them.
It is really sad to have anxiety and though I learn and overcome it everyday it just shows you that you need a break, you need time to be alone maybe, or time to be with loved ones. It’s like when I am around my niece and nephew, I would rather go play with them than have a grown up situation. I would rather go play with lego or make robot heads out of cardboard boxes than talk about work or life. Maybe that’s just me because I love children and I am good with them but sometimes I think this is because I panic or can worry so I find it better to play with lego with a 7 & 5 year old.
Its not like I just jumped on a plane and jetted off somewhere exotic, I just knew I needed a lay in. Or 6 of them. I needed to do something creative, I needed to lay around and watch whatever I wanted to. I took many bubble baths, I cleaned the flat, like a mega super spring clean, I ate pizza because I just fancied it, I made angel delight because I wanted to. I spent time with friends that I haven’t caught up with in a long time. I hung out with myself and coloured in, read and wrote in my journals.
Having bad or ugly things happen in life, as I sit here laughing to be fair what’s great about the last 4 years? I have took some trips to the hospital every year. But I have learnt that its good to give back in this world. Spread a little kindness and make people I love smile. And just because, not for any reason but just to be thankful for them. I did that 4 times these past 10 days. I mean I also get to practice my skills but its nice to see them being happy and smile at my random act of kindness.
Wednesday I met with my bestie and her baby. OMG I love them so much. A and I just played none stop or hugging and kissing. We ate cake together and she sat on the sofa next to me in Costa like a big girl whilst her mummy paid and it was such a therapeutic, calm day. Painting pottery and eating cake.
Thursday I went back to work, you know when you have had some time off work, holiday or sickness you always get that little worried feeling in you to go back. Well I do anyway. Those two days though were the calmest, good days I have had in a while. Chilled and busy though full of zen and positivity. At one point though I was in so much pain I thought I was going to be sick. But that still didn’t make these days bad. They just flowed well. I was grateful for my two day week I must admit.
We are now in the middle of a heat wave, 28 degrees, today I spent time with crafting with my other friends children. I may have caught a little tan or redness anyway. But I just enjoy spending time with friends, making flower ballerinas and scrunchies and simply chilling out.
The journals are still asking how was I brave today? What did I do for self care? My 365 days of Self Care A Journal has been talking about learning when to stop. Well I don’t look at the book until I write the page each day. So I guess you can say that I have learnt to stop. Really I need to learn to stop a little sooner that frazzled but we are getting there. That is why I urge you to stop when you need a break. You know who cares really if you don’t open the curtains that day because you just can’t be bothered, who cares if you’re to do list waits a day. Really it will be there tomorrow it doesn’t matter.
You can learn this from me, I would do anything for another day with my Grandad. Loosing a loved one is extremely hard. I come home on Sundays and I normally edit and make sure I am organised for the week ahead. But now if I want to spend more time with loved ones, go out with loved ones then my editing can wait a few hours, a day even. That is another reason why being organised and planning really helps me. This week off of posting has made me realise that. I filmed last weekend which will go live tomorrow but having that extra 5 days leeway will help me in the long run.
How is your self care going? Is it all happy and cheerful? Are you facing bravery everyday to overcome a fear? I can tell you my time off work and the funeral has really made me think a lot. I was in an ugly place and though I will continue to battle with pain and health I learnt a lot from my time off. I learnt that I need to do more of what I love, I need to always think of me first. I need to remember why negatives happen and that I need to be more grateful for good. I need to make sure that I lead the positive life I want to and need to. Muddle through the bad times and push through with the support of my loved ones. The ones that care and love me for me. The ones that put a smile on my face.
Enjoy your week everyone. Make sure you are back for my 3 weekly posts, sharing lifestyle and fashion to you all. Face mask Fridays, self care Sundays and a random one during the week.