So… how did your week go? Was it good, ok or one you just want to move on from and start a fresh this week? For me its been a mixture really. I will try my best to explain along the way.
We are going to start with Sunday. Sunday was a hard day for us as a family, both physically and emotionally. My Grandad has dementia and so it was time for him to go into a home. It was sad and upsetting because its like we can’t help him anymore. Maybe that’s not the right wording but he needs more attention and help I guess than we as a family can do. Not that we wouldn’t do anything for him if we needed to now and we still love him, for the crazy Grandad who use to skip, tapping his feet in the air, pretending to be drunk and make us laugh. Times when we made him do headstands. He would probably still do one now if we asked him to. It was just hard on us because it’s a big change for him and us as a family. Living in a different town to my Grandma especially. But I guess as a positive we all need to think that it’s what Grandad needs and we can still go see him everyday if we want. He just has the best care there and that’s what he needs.
Sunday also brought an amazing roast dinner my mum cooked. After my Dad and Grandma took my Grandad to his new care home. I don’t know why, maybe because we hardly have roast dinners or because we all needed a good meal to help our sadness. But I am really jealous of people who have a roast today as you read this because I am pretty sure though I don’t know I don’t have one.
*The book this week has started to talk about routine. Routine is good for anyone and I am one that likes to be organised, stick to routine, know what I am doing and when. So I could get what the book was trying to say. Setting a weekly or daily routine helps, you can say mine is get up, eat, get dressed and ready, go to work, home, dinner, watch youtube, fill in journals, read and go to bed. That is on a day when I am working and not having plans in the evening. I don’t like not knowing what I am doing on the day I am doing something. By busying yourself or placing a routine in, to follow really helps you leave the bad or frustrating bits behind. I guess, for me anyway, it keeps me going. I right fancy and few duvet and movie days.
I guess that’s another or the main reason I do youtube and blogging, to keep my mind off what is wrong in my world and keeps me entertained, occupied and motivated. I mean there’s days like Saturday this week where I didn’t get out of bed till lunchtime, ate then went back to bed till 2. So there are days when nothing is too much but the majority of the time this keeps me going.
Monday was such a chilled out day. I went to work, ate dinner and chilled out. I have to admit maybe this is because its was a 3 day week. I took annual leave for Thursday and Friday but I will explain that in a bit. I could explain Monday as an alright, good day. Nothing special but it went to plan so happy days.
Tuesday I can say is where the middle of my week dipped a bit. I had the doctors for my chronic heartburn. Something you would think would be easy to solve but no. I was told to go back to my doctor at the hospital. I got some new medication at the same time to try help it. Saturday is the only day I have seen improvement in this but we will see. I left early from work to go to this doctors appointment which is normal procedure and totally fine but it feels like or maybe its me just being worried like normal that its like how many times do I have to go to the doctors?! I came home after the doctors and just chilled. Nothing better than a good hot bubble bath to relax in.
This brings me on to Wednesday. By this point I was done. I really needed help I didn’t want any new medication I wanted help. I think people think I am crazy and wanting attention, when clearly all I want is people to understand what is wrong with me, help me by doing tests I need and make me able to live like a normal nearly 29 year old.
I know Endometriosis is hard to explain and deal with and I know not everyone is clued up and aware of the disease as I explained in Monday’s post. But seriously it really frustrates me when it feels like people don’t believe you. When I told my consultant that on Wednesday night, I really was stating that I’ve had enough, of the disease, of not being able to do normal things and for people not believing me. I was told endometriosis in the beginning it just took until now (5th year) to diagnose me. Get that fact across and then believe me I have it. On the way home my mum said to me she does believe in me, but I didn’t just aim it at her and how sometimes she tries to say its a different thing or something. It was aimed at the 5 years of it’s in your head and between 8 doctors saying its in my head I have just had enough of not getting the right help I need. But you know I would love to walk into a room say, Pilates for instance and when asked how am I? I could say yes I am amazing thank you. I can’t actually see myself saying that ever.
It was a time for tears that hospital appointment. I was frustrated at the fact medication, medication, medication was all was spoken about. Even on the way to the hospital my mum and I were talking and saying it’s about time he didn’t test another drug on me and do something. There was a glass table between me and the consultant and I wanted him to know I was not happy, I had to get my frustration out and get him to realise I was actually there and wanted my life back. The glass table stayed in one piece but it was where my hand keeping touching.
In the end he agreed to do an MRI on me as he did 4 and 1/2 years ago and refer me to a top Endometriosis gastroenterologist specialist in London. So the tears and frustration were taken note of and things are being done. Not going to lie MRI’s scare me, 1 because the bit you lay on is so claustrophobic and I lay there thinking how would anyone any bigger than me (a size 10) fit in here. My arms as it is, nearly touch the sides, 2 because I can’t stay that still for too long and 3 most probably because the first one I had they had to put a cannula in, but the nurse took 3 attempts to do it and I’m scared of needles. So it will be interesting on Tuesday.
When I got home on Wednesday I was super sad and emotional. But I was ok when I was talking to two of my friends. I text them because they wanted to know how I got on but to cheer me up. My friend ending up calling me and we were on the phone for about 40 minutes. I went to bed straight after because it was bed time, I was tired and it was the best option. I was also so happy to not have to set my alarm for Thursday.
Thursday brought a day of baking, decorating and shopping ready for my niece’s 7th birthday party. I am creative as you know and some how Abigail has joined in on that flair and likes to jewellery make with me. So it was agreed a while ago that I was to host her birthday party. Which if you follow my youtube you will see the little series coming along of her Crafternoon Tea.
I didn’t get to Asda till 11am because of course I needed a lay in. Some how and you can laugh because I really don’t know what went wrong but I picked up 2 packs of macaroons, put them in my basket and took them to the till. From the conveyor belt to the bag I don’t know to this day where they are. I didn’t pay for them nor were they in my shopping bag. Meant I had to go back down to Asda after making and decorating 2 lots of biscuits and some cakes.
Friday was a day that I was worried about. It’s good to be busy like I mentioned earlier but it’s also a time when I think oh no is this the right thing to do. Foolishly I wore normally jeggings thinking I’m not in pain and I will be ok. Its just 2 hours. Well I know for next time a dress or maternity jeans are the thing to wear.
Friday was a good one though, from getting to my sister’s, to decorating and seeing Abigail’s face and excitement was definitely worth the effort. All 8 girls really enjoyed themselves and you could see it in the effort they put in, what they made and their cup and saucers full of hot chocolate. I was glad to go home though to a hot bubble bath and chill out.
Saturday was my stay at home day. I rarely have these because they aren’t the best for me personally. I would love to lay on the sofa watching dvds but when it comes to being the only one living here and the grown up it means you have to do everything.
I actually slept for 12 hours on Friday night so when I woke at 9:30am I just hung out in bed for a while watching youtube and chilling. I had 2 videos to film and I wanted to do a good clean of the whole flat. I got up at 12 to get my dinner, I ate that then laid back in bed till 2pm. Lazy I know but I just didn’t have the motivation or energy. I didn’t feel too well. Its like I was hungover yet without any alcohol. So I am going with it being an Endo hangover. By 2pm I was feeling better so I dragged myself from my bed, into a new pair of pyjama bottoms, a stripe top and my wooly pink cardigan. Note I mostly film in pyjama bottoms because they are hardly seen. Comfort is key when your tummy is playing up.
I managed it though, I got up I made the bed, I filmed 2 unboxing videos coming Monday and Wednesday this week and I cleaned the whole flat. By 5:30pm I was finished so I had some tea, shower, washed my hair and got back in bed. Decided to watch some youtube, then stopped to write this for you to read before heading back to youtube land.
After typing this all out I realise that this may not seem like self care. Or does it to you? But really all I have done is please others, listened to my body and frustrations and tried to get the help I need and want. I have lacked on the reading again this week which annoys me because it was really helping with the wind down, full head of stuff released and a better nights sleep. I also feel like I need a holiday but a holiday maybe postponed for a while for obvious reasons. And of course a good old hot bubble bath always is my go to, with pain and to stay warm. I write that in my journal everyday as something to do because I feel the cold so badly. Keeping warm, keeps my body happy.
This week, I am looking to get my bookworm head back on. Are you reading any books at the minute? If so do you have any recommendations for me? I think I might also try adding something new into my routine but I’m not sure what to pick yet. Do you have anything that massively helps you? Self Care wise that is.
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