So here we are the beginning of 2019 and my goal or New Years resolution is to love myself again. To use self care daily to be happier, healthier and stronger. So maybe some of my friends or people I know say to me all the time you are so strong, how do you fight numerous operations, daily struggles of chronic pain, of which we now know as Endometriosis and purely the answer has to be self care. Its not all plain sailing, there are struggles, you may see me in tears or a day when you know what, I am best to be on my own and days when I want to be around my friends and family. The thing is to keep going.

So this is what I want to achieve and I really want to stick to it. I found out about the Self Care Journal from The Blurt It Out Foundation. You can get this in various of stores or online. It actually doesn’t matter when you start this but I really hope and believe the end of 2019 I will be a bigger, better and stronger person from it. Who knows what battles I will have along the way and I am going to share every Sunday my weekly update. What self care worked for me. I am also using my daily planner from Ohh Deer to bullet journal everyday. Write my feelings, thoughts and what I want to achieve and most importantly stay positive.

The book starts by reflecting on the last month, how well it was, what you achieved, feelings, low and high points. Its really good to see how you thought and what you did.

Lets just say December 2018 for me was crazy busy. I am not moaning but I have learnt from December that putting 64 hours of hard work and love into someones present is the best thing to do. At the same time you feel bad because you haven’t done anything else other than work and create but when Aurelia opened her present and I saw she and her mummy loved it and she was so happy playing with it. It just made my heart happy, me happy and that warm feeling of love and happiness shone.

When thinking about chronic illnesses, pain and mental health problems in particular and great way to improve them is to distract yourself. December I also wasn’t feeling too well. I have new medication and though I am under really good specialists, feeling poorly the majority of the time really can get you fed up and feeling down. That is another reason I am grateful for Aurelia and the time I spent into making her the best present.

It is also hard when you have no energy or are too unwell to do anything. Last winter I really did struggle waiting for my operation and I can definitely say crafts as a distraction helps. Set yourself some goals, a craft project and get stuck in!

So its day 6 of January in the morning so I think I will document these weekly updates Saturday to Saturday. This week being I started the book on the 1st it will be a short one. One thing I don’t overly like is the book asks you the same questions each day but in a way it gets you wanting to be braver and think more on what you are doing to document it down, look back on and improve.

It has been a strange week, I was off on annual leave until the 2nd so a short week of work! YAY! So the first thing I did when I got home on New Years day in the late afternoon was open the journal as well as get my daily planner ready. They both now sit nicely together on my desk for me to update daily. I filled in the first page reflecting on December. But decided to fill in my daily bits just an hour before bed because that hour is me time and thats what I have decided I need every night.

A time where I don’t go on my phone, watch tv or surf the internet. I have read this week but I could do anything, craft, colour in, meditate you name it. This also gives me the unwind, relaxation time to switch my brain off from the busy life and prepare it to sleep.

Sleep is something I am missing now back at work. Every weekend in December and the Christmas break I slept for 12 hours a night. It really helped me to improve my health and happiness and I was very thankful for my Saturday morning and hopefully Sunday morning lay in. 12 hours of sleep daily is something people aged 28 don’t really need but someone who is a chronic illness sufferer its a must. Well for me it is anyway. I feel so much better for it.

On Wednesday I didn’t have that yucky work feeling when the alarm went off. I had one where I was motivated and ready to go. I felt good and that is one thing I really want to be this year. Feeling the best and doing my best to be my best.

Needless to say the other 2 days at work were less inspiring purely for less sleep and feeling unwell. But needless to say it was a short week and better than I expected. On the plus side the always thinking positive really helped me to be “grown up” about things. Not even just at work but home and life in general.

Friday night was one of the worst for me but then with self care the little cry is important as much as meditation. Its ok to cry and feel sorry for yourself. I have been so busy in general that really I felt strange about not having my plans organised. I had plans for the weekend but was waiting on a definite yes or no. I was getting frustrated because naturally I have to be organised, I felt a bit lonely to be honest. When you feel unwell or your tired sometimes you just feel that way and thats ok too. Don’t shut off from the world unless you need to. Talk to your friends and they will support you. You should know by now who loves you, who wants to be friends with you and who doesn’t. If you don’t I am sure you will learn this at some point.

In this instants I just wanted to get in bed and chill out. I decided to run a hot bubble bath, and lay there by candle light. Have that time to reflect on the week and chill out, unwind and think. I guess you could say this was also a time where I meditated. I was thinking of things to get or make Aurelia for her 1st birthday. I thought how well I did when I lost my door key from the barrier getting into the carpark at my flat. It was a time to just lay and think of all the things I achieved or did well this week. Heat is really good for me so I always love a hot bubble bath I can lay there for ages.

The one question in this weeks daily questions was a moment of bravery. I think of being brave by going to get my injections done or walking away from my dad to go to the operating theatre without a scream, panic or cry. This is where I think the book is going to make me braver. Or think of ways I can be brave daily. Whether thats something simple like try something new to eat or something really out my comfort zone like go talk to a stranger and ask for their help. It could be anything. Am I brave by not crying? Are we brave for not arguing back but leaving the room or conversation?

This is why its also good to bullet journal. Writing your thoughts and feelings, setting daily goals. It motivates you to want to do more and achieve what you have set. I already want to achieve a new kind of bravery each day if I can.

I really had a wobble on Friday and Saturday I just wanted that day to myself and that was fine. Actually I loved laying in bed asleep till 10 and watching youtube till 1pm. I really needed to film 3 videos, write yesterday’s and today’s blog post and most importantly I needed some me time. I think all in all the worst part of Saturday was finding 4 new grey hairs in my hair! I did get up and made an effort filmed and played with my new bare minerals makeup. But that is something I love to do and have fun with so because I just wanted the me time it really worked. I also got to find out how amazing the makeup is.

It got to 4:20pm and I was cold, its really cold here at the minute and I have my heating on timer, money saving and majority of the time I am not here to see the daytime. So I decided it was 20 minutes until the heating came on so I ran a hot shower washed my hair and body had a little more me time and got into my dinosaur onesie. I even hoovered afterwards because it needed doing.

Now at 8pm I’m not even ready for my evening snack and I am writing off for this week. Its been a strange week but never the less a positive change and I am motivated already to do this. Its ok to have the sad emotional days, and in that I rewarded or learnt I needed the me day. Playing with makeup, organising, filming its what I needed to do. I am learning what my body wants me, or needs me to do.

Who knows what next week will bring! What are your goals for this year? Are you on a self care journey or something else?